A wedding viewed from the mind of an Aspergian

Kevin Thomas's picture

Several months ago, my parents informed me of the wedding of my cousin Matthew. I had no memory of ever meeting Matthew in my life, so it seemed we were going to yet another wedding in a barn (Barn weddings seem to be the new tradition in our family).

A few months later, my mother got us all very expensive tickets to “Wicked”, which was playing at the Fox Theater. The play was one night before we had to leave for Raleigh, so we decided to see it.

The play was enjoyable, so much so that I reviewed it and gave it 5 stars. When we arrived back at the hotel we were staying at for the night, I found some conveniently placed note-cards and wrote, in my opinion, one of the best reviews I’ve ever done, at about 11:30 p.m. I also discovered the Disney Channel has gone ever farther down the tubes with its new show “A.N.T. Farm”. Anyway, the next day is when “our wedding adventure,” as I like to call it, actually began.

We had stayed in a hotel the night before, and had to get up at 5:30 a.m. (I will never question why my dad is so tired when he gets back from his Delta trips again.) From there, we went to the airport, and we all know how fun that is. We brought Nathan’s Hot Dogs and got on our 53 minute flight, where the mandatory safety video had some technical issues. Anyway, we got off the plane and went to another hotel where I had the pleasure of meeting my mom’s old best friends and seeing one of her sisters. The hotel had HBO, so I also had the pleasure of watching “Megamind” and “Diary of a Wimpy Kid”.

The rehearsal dinner was at a restaurant and it was fun. I got to meet my new cousin Lydia and her brother Adam, who mistook me for an employee after I went out the wrong door to get a little quiet. I also found out that another one of my aunts had a boyfriend John, with whom I discussed how dumb “SpongeBob Squarepants” makes 4 year-olds. I also met my Aunt Kate, who has nearly the exact look and personality of my dad’s sister Katie, only younger. I had a good time, and when I was lying in bed that night, I was happy my cousin was getting married.

I was also thinking about an article I had read in the paper a few days prior that said that men’s testosterone goes down when they become parents.

The day of the wedding came, and we did it the Thomas way; we ate at some fast food restaurant, Dad took me to a convienently-located GameStop, where I bought the game for “Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian” for about $20, which I still owe my dad since he technically paid for it.. We also visited my Uncle Bob and Aunt Candace, who had a nice, dormant (sleeping) baby. I have this fear about holding babies because if they freak out and start crying, then I freak out and might drop them. My aunt and uncle had a nice house, and I got to hold the baby, and disaster was avoided.

A few hours later the actual wedding took place. The reverend compared God’s presence in my cousin’s lives to a half-full jug of water, and I was thinking, “Just say the I-do’s already.” At the part where the Rev. says “for all ye witnesses to attempt to keep these two together”, instead of the customary “I will”, I said “I’ll try.” I can’t help it if anything goes wrong in their marriage, so why should I lie?

After the ceremony, the DJ came in with his little Apple computer (Nobody hires a real band anymore, they just find somebody with a boatload of music on their ITunes account).

I was mistaken yet again for an employee while assisting actual employees by picking up chairs. I did this in order to keep myself from acting impulsively and going over to the computer to change a slow-moving song.

The food was fantastic, especially the chicken, and the bread was tasty as well. The only problem was that I didn’t have any Sprite.

Now what kind of wedding reception doesn’t have Sprite?

I made acquaintances with the DJ, whom I then asked to play “Brick House” and “What I’ve Done” by Linkin Park (From the “Transformers” franchise). I also asked him to play “Secrets”, that is until I discovered the meaning of the lyrics of that song from my sister Carol. I immediately asked the DJ not to play the song.

He asked me if the songs had any bad words in them, but oddly enough he played Vanilla Ice’s hit song “Ice Ice Baby”, which has a few naughty words. It’s also the ONLY rap song I can listen to in good conscience.

My parents’ dancing skills impressed and shocked me at the same time. It wasn’t like Michael Jackson or Lady Gaga type dancing; it was just grown-ups acting goofy. There was also this little kid who was a dancing fool. My new relatives formed a circle where they would get in the middle and show their moves, and he just went right in there and did his thing, while the rest of us watched in awe.

All things considered, it was a very fun weekend. We had a little miscommunication about how we were supposed to check out of school, but that’s something for me and my sister to know and for nobody else to EVER find out.

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