I was minding my own business the other night and reading a book. My wife was doing the same — or so I thought. She looked up and said, “Honey, guess what I just read?”
“What?” I replied.
“It says here that men who are 60 have the same testosterone level as a 9-year-old boy.” And then she smiled.
I am 62. Now why would she tell me that? And then why would she crack a deliberately wicked grin?
My wife is a nurse. Actually she is a professor of nursing and associate dean of the School of Nursing at a university. Presumably, she knows about medical things. Obviously, she is weak in psychology.
Every day, the television ads are filled with information about pills that will enhance male sexuality, including a plethora of late-night infomercials that tout non-medical, herbal, non-FDA-approved alternatives to the performance enhancing drugs.
For quite some time I have also noticed that ads are swamping the airwaves that provide solutions to “low T.” Yep. Low testosterone levels — especially in older males.
According to these ads, a steady regime can help one work hard all day, play tennis all evening, and do something or the other all night long.
And that’s just the non-medical, herbal, non-FDA approved alternatives to the drugs that are marketed to increase testosterone levels. Apparently, there are medicines in the form of shots, creams, and perhaps even pills that can be purchased for a small fortune.
Younger guys, of course, do not worry about their testosterone levels. Fathers of young daughters worry about the testosterone levels in younger men that come within two miles of their daughters.
When my oldest granddaughter was 12, she looked 15. It was at that time I began asking her if she had any boyfriends that I needed to kill. She was playing softball with a team made up of girls her age, and I was at one of the games.
I noticed during the game that a car pulled up and two boys got out. The fact that they were driving made them at least 16. They wandered over to the fence and watched my granddaughter as she way playing third base, which made them targets.
During a break between innings, they motioned for my granddaughter to come over and talk. She did, and I was immediately on the move. By the time I got behind the boys, my granddaughter had gone back onto the field.
One of the miscreants said to the other, “She’s really cute! I wonder how old she is?”
I leaned in and, with a voice Batman would find chilling, said, “She’s 12. Beat it!”
“Huh?” one of the boys said.
“I said she’s 12. Get lost. Now.” They did.
Later, my granddaughter came back over to that area and was looking around. I went down to see her and she said, “Where did those two guys go?”
“They left,” I responded.
“How come?” my 12-year-old asked.
“So they wouldn’t die,” I said with a straight face. I understand testosterone.
Still, guys, older guys anyway, are apparently sensitive about their testosterone levels. I am not. At least I wasn’t. Before the snarky 9-year-old to 60-year-old testosterone comparison, I was doing fine.
Now I find myself thinking about sky-diving ... or volunteering for service in Afghanistan ... or getting in a bar fight. I bet a 9-year-old wouldn’t do that!
I told a friend about what my wife said and he replied that, when he was 9, he had serious crushes on several teenage girls.
I don’t know what the T-level is in a 9-year-old boy. Maybe it’s higher than I think it is. Maybe I’ll just check out those commercials on TV.
After all, I would like to play tennis all evening.
[David Epps is the pastor of the Cathedral of Christ the King, Sharpsburg, GA (www.ctkcec.org). He is the bishop of the Mid-South Diocese which consists of Georgia and Tennessee (www.midsouthdiocese.org) and the Associate Endorser for the Department of the Armed Forces, U. S. Military Chaplains, ICCEC. He may contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.]