Peachtree City: ‘Lost’ in year 2025

It goes without saying that due in part to demographic patterns, the significance of the current recession, the ineptitude of our current City Council, and the outright obsession of city employees to protect their positions of self-importance, the average age of Peachtree City‘s employees and population will have risen significantly by the year 2025.

To illustrate, we merely have to observe a typical day at City Hall while the Secretary to the Assistant to the Deputy City Clerk deals with current issues.

It seems the hot topic of the day revolves around a disturbance at the McIntosh High Retirement Village; the high school was converted to senior use a few years back as no students remain.

It seems the local octogenarians are upset that that one of their own was ticketed for tossing his slightly used adult diaper into a glass recycle bin that was located beside the proper receptacle.

The offense was alleged to have occurred near the old boat ramp currently used as a wheelchair/scooter recreation area across the lake from Drake Field.

Further, since the alleged offense took place very late in the day, the Second Deputy to the Assistant Police Chief has added the charge of lewd and indecent behavior since the culprit tested positive for Viagra on a routine field drug test at the time of arrest and by his physical condition.

No witnesses are said to have actually observed the lewd behavior, but the second deputy to the assistant chief is certain that he can locate someone with vision correctable to 35-40.

When interviewed, the arresting officer was overly concerned that this was only his fifth arrest of an elderly person on today’s shift and his quota was seven as handed down by his nine supervisors.

The officer did, however, refuse to comment regarding the defendant’s claim of having to relieve himself with assistance.

Meanwhile, the actual Assistant Chief of Police reports from the scene at McIntosh Village that as many as 250 walker-bound residents have taken over the former gymnasium, forming a cordon of stainless steel walking aides around the building.

Chants of “police brutality” and ”Kumbaya” were heard among the wheezing and portable oxygen tank clanking.

Additionally, a motorcade of golf carts, scooters, and a few hijacked Kroger motorized shopping carts filled with cane-wielding Vietnam veterans are reported to be moving north from town center to reinforce their brethren and to insure their objection to the city garnishing their Social Security checks to make up for budget shortfalls is made part of the protest.

Additionally, it was rumored that remnants of the infamous Peachtree City Pucker Factor Liars Club have stormed the Gathering Place demanding an increased allowance of Geritol, Metamucil and Bud Lite. It is still unclear if golf carts equipped with gun racks belonging to renegade septuagenarians King, Garlock and Franz have been detained, but rumors to that effect have caused one former mayor to emerge from his dementia to seek police protection.

The city’s actual Chief of Police was unavailable for comment due to attending mandatory annual training in Bern, Switzerland.

The local city police, reinforced by the county sheriff’s three helicopter gunships and four SWAT teams from surrounding municipalities, seem to have the area secured. Snipers are posted along Walt Banks Road, and the use of tear gas has been approved by the City Council while in emergency session.

CNN has graciously set up a Command Center complete with a fully functional visitor’s bureau in consideration of first rights to TV coverage. It is anticipated that our 39th President, Jimmy Carter, will act as mediator as no conservatives are allowed on the scene.

In a related story it was reported that the distinguished octogenarian Scott Bradshaw assisted by the venerable Cal Beverly have personally interceded to gain the release of two suspected terrorists, Terry Ernst and Randy Gaddo, jailed on suspicion of inciting discord among residents.

Both Bradshaw and Beverly claim that former council members requested their detention for fear of retribution.

To be continued ...

Michael L. King

Peachtree City, Ga.

Robert W. Morgan
Robert W. Morgan's picture
Joined: 10/26/2005
Mike, I see that you believe the future is learned from da past

I believe that as well and your time machine piece is spot on! Congratulations!

I doubt that downsizing government is realistic. These people love power and all that comes with it. So, get used to it. Then, if they want to help, grow the revenue side to pay for it. We need to attract industrial and office jobs to PTC by attracting companies that have or need those jobs. Growing government without growing the jobs (meaning the taxpayers who actually pay for government) is just brain-dead stupid. So, why don't we get somebody from government (the big beneficiary of job growth) to help us with job growth? Is that hard to understand?

It was apparently hard for Haddix to understand (but not his charming wife) who hired an Economic Developer Officer to boost retail business - yes, I said retail. Let us understand that past history as we forge fearlessly into the future.

Let's be real clear here so Kim and Vanessa (the only 2 who have a chance of being around in 2014)
understand it - RECRUIT INDUSTRY AND OFFICE BUSINESSES. THEY CREATE JOBS - Best Buy, Wolf Camera and Java Tropical do not. Jeez, how hard is that to understand?

Please Mike, continue your series on how life in 2025 PTC would be - I enjoy it as I'm sure many others do as well. I for one, would like to know how the restaurant scene here progresses. And maybe the cart paths as well - Columbia MD has a curfew on theirs. Is that in our future?

Go for it, Mike. You da man!

Husband and Fat...
Husband and Father of 2's picture
Joined: 07/23/2012

Nurse Pumkin assisting the former mayor and acting as his mouthpiece, claimed to the police that she thinks she thought she heard that the renegades were quite dangerous and were traveling the cart paths "part drunk" as they headed to the early bird special at A Fork in the Road Cafe.

johenry's picture
Joined: 08/22/2006
Part drunk

Husband and Fat, was it "part drunk" or was the Maalox kicking in?

mudcat's picture
Joined: 10/26/2005
Part-drunk on the cart paths - that's the key to the future

Role reversal complete by 2025. The slacker teens who speed around today in their gas carts and block the cart path with their skateboards near the boat dock every day after school have "grown up" and are in their 30's and some will be on city council and one will be mayor. Seems logical that the short one with the sideburns who thinks we need to see his underwear will be the mayor. By then of course, their principal worry will be the seniors who have formed gangs and run in packs of 50-100 in their scooters and electric golf carts. They ride 3 across and deliberately slow down so the kids on gas carts can't pass them. So, the mayor and council will pass a resolution banning electric scooters, golf carts and wheelchairs from the cart paths - because they are too slow. It passed 3-2, but one of the eagle-eyed seniors attending the meeting saw the mayor secretly smoking a joint and declared loudly that he was part-stoned and his vote should not count. The mayor sues the senior citizen for slander or libel or whatever when he gets a round tuit. Oh well, some things change, some don't.

In other business 112 year-old Doug Mitchell is back again at city council with a request to build a theme park for seniors called Calluha Hills. It will feature an observation tower and cocktail lounge and a cigar bar where they can watch the passenger jets take off and land on the recently extended 15,000 foot runway at the Bloomin Onion Aerodome (formerly Falcon Field). The Air Force has located its new and super secret B-7 bomber base there due to the efforts of former mayor and current US Vice-President Josh Bloom. The B-7's only fly at night after the seniors are in bed. Retired US Senator Steve Brown, who still lives in Planterra Ridge vows to start a grass-roots movement to close the airport since the original residents were never told it was there and the runway extension was pushed by mysterious foreigners, known as the straw men, who had great influence with the part-stoned mayor . The runway extension ends at his driveway. The mayor plans to sue former Senator Brown as soon as his head clears up.

Larry Sussberg
Larry Sussberg's picture
Joined: 02/12/2009
Mike King for Mayor got my vote as long as you promise to read us an installment after each city council meeting before the nurses wheel us off to our beds!

mudcat's picture
Joined: 10/26/2005
Quite plausible, Mr. King, I do hope this does continue

One tiny correction - CNN has no chance of still being around in 2025.

I assume from the use of the boat ramp for wheelchairs that somehow the lake was drained or filled in - or was it just not dredged and then dried up?

I've said seriously for quite a while that schools will have to be closed and converted to something else - and senior housing is plausible as the population ages and no one moves in or out. I assume Towne Club does a booming business with the top1% living there. What then becomes of the soccer fields, the industrial park?

I assume North Cove has been purchased by the city (after the previous residents couldn't pay their $100,000 annual tax bills), gated with a security guard and this is a housing enclave for the city employees. Or is it too small for all of them?

And who is on city council in 2025 - the kids from McIntosh that now tie up the cart paths with their third grade skateboard antics?

Keep it going Mike, as with Obama, poor leadership has consequenses down the road for all involved. Most are too stupid or self-involved to recognize this and they will ignore the actions that snowball into bigger problems.

moelarrycurly's picture
Joined: 10/17/2010
Dear Mr. King

After checking with multiple medical personnel, there seems to be a general consensus that you may be suffering from the increasingly common affliction called boomeraphagia.

As described to the layman, it is a condition that is affecting baby boomers who have reached the reality of retirement and have taken a lifetime of knowledge and experience and jumbled it up in their cerebral cortex to the point of no return.

There is no known cure or treatment readily available in the western world. However, intensive and convoluted recollections that are put in writing seem to ease the pain. Ultimately, the prognosis is pretty good. The repetition of the written therapy that the boomeraphagiac employs seems to eventually dissipate many of the symptoms, thus allowing for a life expectancy of close to 123 years old.

Rock on, bro...may the force be with you. I await your next installment.

Jelly Bean
Jelly Bean's picture
Joined: 11/21/2007
Could be a Mini-Series

I'm loving it so far..... weekly installments? Monthly installments? The way things change in this city, I am voting for semi-weekly installments. Could you pencil a time machine into your prologue in the hopes of using it, traveling to 1967, and begging my in-laws not to move here! I'd like to change my life course please.

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